Life Lessons (1)

I always wondered why the most beautiful things in the world are those which can easily destroy us. It’s like we are addicted to the danger that we can sense when we are close to them. I found myself dancing outside in the rain in the middle of a storm and I didn’t care if I was struck by lightning or if the wind would blow me away. Another time I found myself holding my hand over the flames of a candle, just because I wanted to feel the pain. When I was younger I imagined to be every superhero I saw on TV. I even tried to fly once and broke my arm on that day without even thinking about the risks I would take. Why are we so fascinated of danger? What makes us always fall in love with someone we know will break our heart? Why are we willing to risk everything only to lose again and again? I guess it’s just something that lies deep within us. Something that we aren’t able to get rid of. Nature.

It isn’t supposed to be easy in life. To be honest, are the most wonderful things are the ones you have to fight for, even if everyone tries to convince you that you are making the wrong decision. I learn from quiet different things in life, it really depends on how they catch my attention. This right here is what I learned from watching the tv show “Gilmore Girls” while I grew up. The relationship between Rory and Jess was the most beautiful and meaningful one in the whole show. They don’t have to be your favorite couple for my statement to be true – I will show you why.

Jess had a huge impact on Rorys life: He taught her to express herself and showed her that there are more important things in life than school. That she can be more than the shy girl who always follows the rules. That true love can be painful but worth it. He lured her out of her comfort zone, because if we are honest than that’s exactly what helps us grow. He showed her the difficult sides of life and how to overcome them. He made her stronger.

But because of Rory, Jess changed over the course of time too. He started to believe in himself and in the things he could achieve in life. He opened his heart for her and through all the ups and downs, he was always a constant in her life. He learned that love is not only painful and that it isn’t a bad thing to show people that you care about them. That you aren’t supposed to waste your intelligence and that it’s important to have goals in life.

They complimented each other so well just because they were so different. Even though they had similar interests, they still had completely different personalities. Over the course of time they always fought for each other – they never gave up. And that’s exactly what I learned from them: The most wonderful things in life are the hardest to achieve but at the same time they are also the ones it’s worth fighting for. 

Afraid Of Change

I think the misery in life starts when you realize that you aren’t a kid anymore. When everything gets way more complicated and you are starting to lose focus. Christmas was a really good example for me, because I used to love it so much and – don’t get me wrong – I still do, but it’s different now. You not only see the sparkly side of christmas but also the negative side. When I was younger christmas started for me in november, right after my birthday. This year christmas never really started, not even on christmas eve/morning. And now that it’s over, the only hint that christmas really happened are the new books in my bookshelf. Maybe I’m just too afraid of growing up and overvalue these things, but it’s not only christmas that has changed. The way I see my family now, especially my parents couldn’t be more different than before. The older I became the more often I asked myself ‘If you’re parents weren’t your parents, would you be friends with them?’ ‘No’. ‘When you move out with 18 will you contact and visit them frequently?’ ‘I don’t know’. And all these thoughts really scare me, because my parents are wonderful people but I just don’t have such a deeply connection to them as others have to their parents. I would never describe my mum as my best friend and I probably fight 98% of the time with my dad. Because they see life in a totally different perspective. I know that they will never agree with the way I want to live and even though it will probably hurt at the beginning, I know that me growing up will mean losing contact to my parents. My dream is to move to a different country, to become a writer and to publish my own book. And I know that change is necessary to achieve my goals, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. I just have to accept it. The next thing is school. I only have 1 1/2 years left until I graduate which is scary and amazing at the same time. It means I’m finally free, but it also means that I have to take care of myself. That I’m responsible for what I do and that I have to build myself a life. Because if we’re honest, then our life isn’t our parents life. We don’t own anything they own. We are just guests until we learn to live on our own. I’m not even sure if my friends will stay my friends forever. To be honest, I don’t know anything and I’m not even sure what the purpose of this entry is: Just know that you aren’t the only one who is afraid of changes. Everyone is in some kind of way afraid of them.

Lifeguide For Fangirls (1)

So I wrote this for one of my tumblrs a while ago, but I wanted to post it here too ♥ And I’m already working on a part 2.

When you fall in love with a person that you know you can’t have, that’s always hard. When the person doesn’t even know you exist while you are dreaming of him every minute of the day, that’s even harder. Seeing him with girls that are way prettier and talented than you are, that’s the point where you break. But it’s not your fault that you like him so much. It’s not your fault that he puts your expectations of a boyfriend too high for any of the “real” boys to reach them. And it’s not your fault that you can’t stop having hope for something that will never be. But what do you do when you’re in such a position? It’s not like there’s a life guide for fangirls who fell in love with their favorite band member. No, you’re stuck with all those feelings and problems all by yourself with no one to help you. I mean sure you can just hide in your room forever, listening to their music and reading fanfics that just make everything worse, but that wouldn’t be so productive. Becoming a stalker and making plans with your internet besties how to kidnap him, isn’t a great idea either. So what do you do? Those feelings won’t disappear within a few days, they’re real feelings. At least that’s what you think, but let’s be honest here, from one fanatic fangirl to another: You can’t fall in love with a person you never really talked to. I know hearing the truth hurts, but I never said that we should think logical here. The word fangirl is enough to cancel the word logical in the context. Everything a fangirl does isn’t logical, so who cares about the truth, am I right? So were exactly at the point we started at. Still alone, losing ourselves in feelings we can’t describe. In situations like this, where my fangirl side or whatever I’m supposed to call it, takes over my body, my mind and my heart, that’s the moments where I should probably reach out to my real friends, the non-fangirls. They should be able to keep me grounded, right? Wrong. I’m really sorry to disappoint you, but there is no way that they’ll understand even the slightest part of what you are going through. Screw ex boyfriends and crushes that didn’t turn into boyfriends that is nothing compared to your situation. Oh wait, I forgot to mention the best thing: Friends who have a boyfriend and a real, good working relationship, because these friends are the worst. I mean there you are with your broken heart, with the desire to have a boyfriend and then they show up and just be completely happy 24/7 and because you are good friend and you love them you listen to all their “Oh my god, did you see what Jake got me?!” and “OMG, how cute on a scale from 1 to 10 do we look on this photo?!” while you just want to punch them right in their face. But let’s get back to business here. We still haven’t found a solution for our problem. So we were able to exclude asking non-fangirls for help, kidnapping the love of your life and laying on your bed waiting for a miracle to happen from our list. So before we go on, I want to get a little more serious here for a minute and talk about another way you’re not getting rid of the feelings you have for him and that is to ignore the real world. I did that a long time over and I sometimes still have the habit to just live in my dream world and try to have nothing to do with real people and so on. It’s really not healthy if you do it a lot, because it can lead to depression and self-harming which is never a way. I had depressions and anxiety a long time over, because I wasn’t feeling comfortable in my own body and everything was just too much for me to handle. I always compared myself to girls who were prettier, skinnier or just girls in general that had a chance in dating that specific band member I had feelings for. I would go to school, come straight back home and would spent the rest of the day just watching TV series, YouTube videos or reading books. I would do anything that would stop me from thinking about my real life. Being bullied in school, wasn’t particularly a big help. So please never do that, you’re perfect the way you are and even if you won’t believe me now, I promise that someday you will believe it. I tried really hard to lose weight, because I just wanted to be more like them, you know? But I noticed really quickly that I lost my will to live through all that. So I asked myself what is more important: Being happy or being skinny? [Don’t get me wrong, there are probably a million people out there who can be both, but for me it just didn’t work out.] I chose being happy and after a time I got used to not being a perfect and skinny girl. This road from suffering under depression and anxiety to finally being happy and feeling comfortable in my own body took me years, so take your time. Self-confidence is something that needs time to evolve. But just so you know, you can always write me if you want my advice or if you need someone to listen. I understand what you are going through and I’m here. It’s really hard for me to write about all of this, so can we please go back to the easy stuff? Thank you. You know what I just thought about, why don’t we all just form a support group for fangirls, where everyone can talk to people who understand them. I mean that sounds like a great idea, right? Right. But what if you met another fangirl in the group that likes the same band member? Let’s just say: Welcome to World War 3! I mean no offense but fangirls are the worst people to have an argument with. We always get offended about everything, we always need everything to happen the way we want it and the worst case scenario: Somebody isn’t our opinion, doesn’t ship our OTP or loves the same celebrity. You know these special days where shops offer you that you can get everything you can grab for free? Just imagine that the really gorgeous dress that everyone wants to have is the celebrity and that the fangirls are the customers. Do you see what I see? I thought so. So we can exclude support groups for fangirls from our list too. Let’s go on with another possible way: Falling in love with a boy you met in real life. I mean the possibility of that to happen is like one to a billion, but what if the luck is on your side for once? What if you met somebody who actually is able to live up to your expectations? Somebody who doesn’t live on the other side of the world? What if that really happens? I hope that there are still some dreamers out there, but when it comes to real life relationships then I’m definitely one of those who gave up hope. You heard right: I’M A HOPELESS CASE. No boy will ever fall in love with me, so it’s just normal for me to fall in love with a celebrity who will never reject me, because he doesn’t even know I dream of him every second of every day in my life. But that’s not true either, because he can reject me in an indirect way and that is the worst possible outcome of my situation. Let me introduce you to my worst case scenario: HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND. I had this scenario once and I can tell you that I felt a part of me dying when I read online that he “made his relationship with (…) official”. I just wanted to throw my phone against the next wall and scream. You can say that he was my first real celebrity crush and to be honest is the one I had after him still my current one. Sure there were some short crushes here and there, but these two they just stuck with me the whole time over. You probably think that I’m a lunatic for giving these feelings so much meaning, but for me that’s just what they were/are. So here I am, still feeling attached to my second celebrity crush after the first one broke my heart. [NEWSFLASH: HE STILL HAS THAT GIRLFRIEND. AND SHE PROBABLY IS A NICE HUMAN BEING, BUT I STILL HATE HER. SORRY FOR THAT.] Description of my current state: I started writing this at 1am, because I couldn’t sleep. And when I can’t sleep then I feel lonely. And when I feel lonely then I start to think of all the things that make me so different from the people around me and I don’t always mean different in a good way. So I started this little rant at 1 am and somehow my feelings took over my brain and it turned out to be so much longer than I expected it to be. I’m not even sure if anybody will ever read this but if you do then I just want to tell you some things:

  1. Give yourself all the time you need. And I not only mean give yourself all the time you need to accept yourself, but also when it comes to getting rid of feelings you actually don’t want to feel. There is no way that you can rush out of them, because it’s just natural for you to try to hold on to them. They mean something to you and no one will lose something that means something to them. And believe me one day they will be gone, but it might take you a while to get there.
  2. When you are in a situation where you feel like you’re losing your touch to reality then turn to someone for help. Sometimes it doesn’t even seem like something bad, but it can easily turn out like that. No matter how miserable you are feeling and how hopeless everything seems to be, believe I’ve been there and it gets better. It really does, but not yet. And you won’t get through it all by yourself. That’s just not how it works.
  3. You know what I do when I feel like I’m going back to my old ways/habits? I write. I always have my little journey around or when I’m at home I have my laptop to write on. For me writing is a way to not only express my feelings but also to work through them. I understand when you aren’t able to talk to other people about it yet, so just write it down to somewhat talk to yourself about it. Who knows maybe what you are writing down now will help someone else later on? Because it’s always easy to learn from experiences other people made.
  4. Celebrity crushes are totally normal, so is the life of a fangirl. Don’t ever let someone tell you it isn’t. My friends used to tell me at every possible moment that I’m crazy for being so in love with bands, TV shows, books and so on. But they only say that, because they can’t understand and you aren’t able to explain it to them. Either you were born a fangirl or you weren’t, that’s just how it is. And to honest, life without all those things that only fangirls experience would be totally boring, am I right?

Q&A

If you could date one male book character in real life, who would it be? Either Julien (Kuss des Dämons), Zed (Finding Sky), Hector (Starcrossed) or Noah (Mara Dyer Chronicles). They are four of my all time favorite male book characters and I wish I could really date them irl 🙂

Name three book characters you identify yourself with: Katy (Lux Series) because of her passionate love for books and writing; Finch/Violet (All The Bright Places) because they think a lot, live in their own world and have a really special way to express themselves; Julian (The Dark Artifices) because he is very caring and creative and always tries to see the good in people ♥

Name some of your all time favorite albums: Vessel/Blurryface (Twenty One Pilots); Handwritten/Illuminate (Shawn Mendes); That’s The Spirit (Bring Me The Horizon); Demi (Demi Lovato); Back From The Edge (James Arthur); EVOLution (Sabrina Carpenter); Blue Neighbourhood (Troye Sivan); 5 Seconds Of Summer/Sounds Good Feels Good (5SOS); Nine Track Mind (Charlie Puth); Update: Divide (Ed Sheeran), Future Hearts (All Time Low), Don’t Panic: It’s longer now (All Time Low)

Last book you bought? I actually went shopping with my best friend today and bought two new books 🙂 Oblivion (Jennifer L. Armentrout) and Holding Up The Universe (Jennifer Niven)

The very first book you read and that made you fall in love with reading? Beautiful Creatures (Kami Garica and Margaret Stohl)

Name a song that reminds you of another period of your life: Cough Syrup, I used to listen to the Glee version of this song a lot when I suffered from Depression. And I actually still love to listen to this song, because it reminds me of the fact that we can all survive dark times even if it may not seem like we can 🙂

Do you love your favorite book couple or your favorie tv couple more? That’s really hard for me to decide. So there are Stiles and Lydia on the one hand and Julien and Dawn on the other hand. And even though I love love love Stydia, I have to chose Julien and Dawn. In my opinion, there is no one in the entire “world” who loves someone as much as Julien loves Dawn. 

First person you’ve ever obsessed over? Jess from Gilmore Girls and probably a lot of other people I don’ remember 🙂

Something you hate about a fandom you’re in? This happens in nearly every fandom I’m in, but it currently happened in the Teen Wolf and Riverdale fandom: Hate between the different ships. Stydia vs. Stalia and Beronica vs. Jughead. It’s okay if you don’t ship the same couples as I do, but don’t be rude about it.

Any upcoming concerts? Shawn Mendes and Ariana Grande. I’m also hoping that James Arthur will announce a world tour for this year 🙂

First thing you notice when you meet someone? Their eyes and their smile.

Favorite song at the moment? Either “Sign Of The Times” by Harry Styles or “Paralyzed” by NF ♥ But my favorite song changes nearly every day 🙂

Booklist ♥

The 5th Wave (by Rick Yancey)

  1. The 5th Wave
  2. The Infinite Sea
  3. The Last Star

The Mortal Instruments (by Cassandra Clare)

  1. City Of Bones
  2. City Of Ashes
  3. City Of Glass
  4. City Of Fallen Angels
  5. City Of Lost Souls
  6. City Of Heavenly Fire

Percy Jackson and the Olympians (by Rick Riordan)

  1. The Lightning Thief
  2. The Sea Of Monsters
  3. The Titan’s Curse
  4. The Battle Of The Labyrinth
  5. The Last Olympian

Heroes Of Olympus (by Rick Riordan)

  1. The Lost Hero
  2. The Son Of Neptun
  3. The Mark Of Athena
  4. The House Of Hades
  5. The Blood Of Olympus

The Kane Chronicles (by Rick Riordan)

  1. The Red Pyramid
  2. The Throne Of Fire
  3. The Serpent’s Shadow

The Mara Dyer Chronicles (by Michelle Hodkin)

  1. The Becoming of Mara Dyer
  2. The Evolution of Mara Dyer
  3. The Retribution of Mara Dyer

Lux Series (by Jennifer L. Armentrout)

  1. Obsidian
  2. Onyx
  3. Opal
  4. Origin
  5. Opposition
  6. Oblivion

The Dark Artifices (by Cassandra Clare)

  1. Lady Midnight
  2. Lord Of Shadows

Starcrossed (by Josephine Angelini)

  1. Starcrossed
  2. Dreamless
  3. Goddess

The Worldwalker Triology (by Josephine Angelini)

  1. Trial By Fire
  2. Firewalker
  3. Witch’s Pyre

Night School (by C.J. Daugherty)

  1. Night School
  2. Night School: Legacy
  3. Night School: Fracture
  4. Night School: Resistance
  5. Night School: Endgame

The Maze Runner (by James Dashner)

  1. The Maze Runner
  2. The Scorch Trials
  3. The Death Cure
  4. The Kill Order
  5. The Fever Code

The Raven Cycle (by Maggie Stiefvater)

  1. The Raven Boys
  2. The Dream Thieves
  3. Blue Lily, Lily Blue
  4. The Raven King

The Mara Dyer Triology (by Michelle Hodkin)

  1. The Unbecoming Of Mara Dyer
  2. The Evolution Of Mara Dyer
  3. The Retribution Of Mara Dyer

The Fallen Series (by Lauren Kate)

  1. Fallen
  2. Torment
  3. Passion
  4. Rapture
  5. Unforgiven (Cam’s Story)

Shadow Falls (by C. C. Hunter)

  1. Born At Midnight
  2. Awake At Dawn
  3. Taken At Dusk
  4. Whispers At Moonrise
  5. Chosen At Nightfall

Violet Eden Chapters (by Jessica Shirvington)

  1. Embrace
  2. Entice
  3. Emblace
  4. Endless
  5. Empower

Hush, Hush Saga (by Becca Fitzpatrick)

  1. Hush, Hush
  2. Crescendo
  3. Silence
  4. Finale

Silver Moon Saga (by Marah Woolf)

  1. SilverMoonLight
  2. SilverMoonMagic
  3. SilverMoonDream

House Of Night (by P. C. Cast and Kristin Cast)

  1. Marked
  2. Betrayed
  3. Chosen
  4. Untamed
  5. Hunted
  6. Tempted
  7. Burned
  8. Awakened
  9. Destined
  10. Hidden
  11. Revealed
  12. Redeemed

Ruby Red Triology

  1. Ruby Red
  2. Sapphire Blue
  3. Emerald Green

Divergent Series (by Veronica Roth)

  1. Divergent
  2. Insurgent
  3. Allegiant
  4. Four (A Divergent Collection)

Six Of Crows Duology (Leigh Bardugo)

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All The Bright Places (by Jennifer Niven)

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When We Collided (by Emery Lord)

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Love Letters To The Dead (by Ava Dellaira)

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If I Stay/ Where She Went (by Gayle Forman)

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Looking For Alaska (by John Green)

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To Kill A Mockingbird (by Harper Lee)

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Finding Sky (by Joss Stirling) [I know that this is a series, I just really loved Finding Sky and was disappointed by the other books]

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