So I wrote this for one of my tumblrs a while ago, but I wanted to post it here too ♥ And I’m already working on a part 2.
When you fall in love with a person that you know you can’t have, that’s always hard. When the person doesn’t even know you exist while you are dreaming of him every minute of the day, that’s even harder. Seeing him with girls that are way prettier and talented than you are, that’s the point where you break. But it’s not your fault that you like him so much. It’s not your fault that he puts your expectations of a boyfriend too high for any of the “real” boys to reach them. And it’s not your fault that you can’t stop having hope for something that will never be. But what do you do when you’re in such a position? It’s not like there’s a life guide for fangirls who fell in love with their favorite band member. No, you’re stuck with all those feelings and problems all by yourself with no one to help you. I mean sure you can just hide in your room forever, listening to their music and reading fanfics that just make everything worse, but that wouldn’t be so productive. Becoming a stalker and making plans with your internet besties how to kidnap him, isn’t a great idea either. So what do you do? Those feelings won’t disappear within a few days, they’re real feelings. At least that’s what you think, but let’s be honest here, from one fanatic fangirl to another: You can’t fall in love with a person you never really talked to. I know hearing the truth hurts, but I never said that we should think logical here. The word fangirl is enough to cancel the word logical in the context. Everything a fangirl does isn’t logical, so who cares about the truth, am I right? So were exactly at the point we started at. Still alone, losing ourselves in feelings we can’t describe. In situations like this, where my fangirl side or whatever I’m supposed to call it, takes over my body, my mind and my heart, that’s the moments where I should probably reach out to my real friends, the non-fangirls. They should be able to keep me grounded, right? Wrong. I’m really sorry to disappoint you, but there is no way that they’ll understand even the slightest part of what you are going through. Screw ex boyfriends and crushes that didn’t turn into boyfriends that is nothing compared to your situation. Oh wait, I forgot to mention the best thing: Friends who have a boyfriend and a real, good working relationship, because these friends are the worst. I mean there you are with your broken heart, with the desire to have a boyfriend and then they show up and just be completely happy 24/7 and because you are good friend and you love them you listen to all their “Oh my god, did you see what Jake got me?!” and “OMG, how cute on a scale from 1 to 10 do we look on this photo?!” while you just want to punch them right in their face. But let’s get back to business here. We still haven’t found a solution for our problem. So we were able to exclude asking non-fangirls for help, kidnapping the love of your life and laying on your bed waiting for a miracle to happen from our list. So before we go on, I want to get a little more serious here for a minute and talk about another way you’re not getting rid of the feelings you have for him and that is to ignore the real world. I did that a long time over and I sometimes still have the habit to just live in my dream world and try to have nothing to do with real people and so on. It’s really not healthy if you do it a lot, because it can lead to depression and self-harming which is never a way. I had depressions and anxiety a long time over, because I wasn’t feeling comfortable in my own body and everything was just too much for me to handle. I always compared myself to girls who were prettier, skinnier or just girls in general that had a chance in dating that specific band member I had feelings for. I would go to school, come straight back home and would spent the rest of the day just watching TV series, YouTube videos or reading books. I would do anything that would stop me from thinking about my real life. Being bullied in school, wasn’t particularly a big help. So please never do that, you’re perfect the way you are and even if you won’t believe me now, I promise that someday you will believe it. I tried really hard to lose weight, because I just wanted to be more like them, you know? But I noticed really quickly that I lost my will to live through all that. So I asked myself what is more important: Being happy or being skinny? [Don’t get me wrong, there are probably a million people out there who can be both, but for me it just didn’t work out.] I chose being happy and after a time I got used to not being a perfect and skinny girl. This road from suffering under depression and anxiety to finally being happy and feeling comfortable in my own body took me years, so take your time. Self-confidence is something that needs time to evolve. But just so you know, you can always write me if you want my advice or if you need someone to listen. I understand what you are going through and I’m here. It’s really hard for me to write about all of this, so can we please go back to the easy stuff? Thank you. You know what I just thought about, why don’t we all just form a support group for fangirls, where everyone can talk to people who understand them. I mean that sounds like a great idea, right? Right. But what if you met another fangirl in the group that likes the same band member? Let’s just say: Welcome to World War 3! I mean no offense but fangirls are the worst people to have an argument with. We always get offended about everything, we always need everything to happen the way we want it and the worst case scenario: Somebody isn’t our opinion, doesn’t ship our OTP or loves the same celebrity. You know these special days where shops offer you that you can get everything you can grab for free? Just imagine that the really gorgeous dress that everyone wants to have is the celebrity and that the fangirls are the customers. Do you see what I see? I thought so. So we can exclude support groups for fangirls from our list too. Let’s go on with another possible way: Falling in love with a boy you met in real life. I mean the possibility of that to happen is like one to a billion, but what if the luck is on your side for once? What if you met somebody who actually is able to live up to your expectations? Somebody who doesn’t live on the other side of the world? What if that really happens? I hope that there are still some dreamers out there, but when it comes to real life relationships then I’m definitely one of those who gave up hope. You heard right: I’M A HOPELESS CASE. No boy will ever fall in love with me, so it’s just normal for me to fall in love with a celebrity who will never reject me, because he doesn’t even know I dream of him every second of every day in my life. But that’s not true either, because he can reject me in an indirect way and that is the worst possible outcome of my situation. Let me introduce you to my worst case scenario: HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND. I had this scenario once and I can tell you that I felt a part of me dying when I read online that he “made his relationship with (…) official”. I just wanted to throw my phone against the next wall and scream. You can say that he was my first real celebrity crush and to be honest is the one I had after him still my current one. Sure there were some short crushes here and there, but these two they just stuck with me the whole time over. You probably think that I’m a lunatic for giving these feelings so much meaning, but for me that’s just what they were/are. So here I am, still feeling attached to my second celebrity crush after the first one broke my heart. [NEWSFLASH: HE STILL HAS THAT GIRLFRIEND. AND SHE PROBABLY IS A NICE HUMAN BEING, BUT I STILL HATE HER.
SORRY FOR THAT.] Description of my current state: I started writing this at 1am, because I couldn’t sleep. And when I can’t sleep then I feel lonely. And when I feel lonely then I start to think of all the things that make me so different from the people around me and I don’t always mean different in a good way. So I started this little rant at 1 am and somehow my feelings took over my brain and it turned out to be so much longer than I expected it to be. I’m not even sure if anybody will ever read this but if you do then I just want to tell you some things:
- Give yourself all the time you need. And I not only mean give yourself all the time you need to accept yourself, but also when it comes to getting rid of feelings you actually don’t want to feel. There is no way that you can rush out of them, because it’s just natural for you to try to hold on to them. They mean something to you and no one will lose something that means something to them. And believe me one day they will be gone, but it might take you a while to get there.
- When you are in a situation where you feel like you’re losing your touch to reality then turn to someone for help. Sometimes it doesn’t even seem like something bad, but it can easily turn out like that. No matter how miserable you are feeling and how hopeless everything seems to be, believe I’ve been there and it gets better. It really does, but not yet. And you won’t get through it all by yourself. That’s just not how it works.
- You know what I do when I feel like I’m going back to my old ways/habits? I write. I always have my little journey around or when I’m at home I have my laptop to write on. For me writing is a way to not only express my feelings but also to work through them. I understand when you aren’t able to talk to other people about it yet, so just write it down to somewhat talk to yourself about it. Who knows maybe what you are writing down now will help someone else later on? Because it’s always easy to learn from experiences other people made.
- Celebrity crushes are totally normal, so is the life of a fangirl. Don’t ever let someone tell you it isn’t. My friends used to tell me at every possible moment that I’m crazy for being so in love with bands, TV shows, books and so on. But they only say that, because they can’t understand and you aren’t able to explain it to them. Either you were born a fangirl or you weren’t, that’s just how it is. And to honest, life without all those things that only fangirls experience would be totally boring, am I right?