Afraid Of Change

I think the misery in life starts when you realize that you aren’t a kid anymore. When everything gets way more complicated and you are starting to lose focus. Christmas was a really good example for me, because I used to love it so much and – don’t get me wrong – I still do, but it’s different now. You not only see the sparkly side of christmas but also the negative side. When I was younger christmas started for me in november, right after my birthday. This year christmas never really started, not even on christmas eve/morning. And now that it’s over, the only hint that christmas really happened are the new books in my bookshelf. Maybe I’m just too afraid of growing up and overvalue these things, but it’s not only christmas that has changed. The way I see my family now, especially my parents couldn’t be more different than before. The older I became the more often I asked myself ‘If you’re parents weren’t your parents, would you be friends with them?’ ‘No’. ‘When you move out with 18 will you contact and visit them frequently?’ ‘I don’t know’. And all these thoughts really scare me, because my parents are wonderful people but I just don’t have such a deeply connection to them as others have to their parents. I would never describe my mum as my best friend and I probably fight 98% of the time with my dad. Because they see life in a totally different perspective. I know that they will never agree with the way I want to live and even though it will probably hurt at the beginning, I know that me growing up will mean losing contact to my parents. My dream is to move to a different country, to become a writer and to publish my own book. And I know that change is necessary to achieve my goals, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. I just have to accept it. The next thing is school. I only have 1 1/2 years left until I graduate which is scary and amazing at the same time. It means I’m finally free, but it also means that I have to take care of myself. That I’m responsible for what I do and that I have to build myself a life. Because if we’re honest, then our life isn’t our parents life. We don’t own anything they own. We are just guests until we learn to live on our own. I’m not even sure if my friends will stay my friends forever. To be honest, I don’t know anything and I’m not even sure what the purpose of this entry is: Just know that you aren’t the only one who is afraid of changes. Everyone is in some kind of way afraid of them.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s