The Finally Fall Tag

I know I’m late with this tag, but I just carved pumpkins for Halloween and was in the right mood to do it now 🙂

1. In fall, the air is crisp and clear: name a book with a vivid setting.

Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo. This is not only my all time favorite book ever, but the writing is so good that you see its’ setting right before your eyes. Every place described in this book comes to life just by reading about it.

2. Nature is beautiful… but also dying: name a book that is beautifully written, but also deals with a heavy topic like loss or grief.

A Monster Calls by Patrick Ness. In my opinion there is no other book that would fit this category better. A Monster Calls is a piece of art and you should definitely read it without getting too much info about the plot. Trust me, this is a book that needs to surprise you and tell you its’ story alone.

3. Fall is back to school season: share a non-fiction book that taught you something new.

Heavier Than Heaven: The Biography of Kurt Cobain by Charles R. Cross. In my class Singer&Songwriter, I wrote my final paper about the 27 Club with focus on Kurt Cobain and read this book to get to know more about his life. At the end, I was not only totally in love with his character but also with his story. It broke my heart but opened my eyes in so many ways.

4. In order to keep warm, it’s good to spend some time with the people we love: name a fictional family/household/friend-group that you’d like to be a part of.

This was the hardest question for me, because there are so many bookworlds that I would like to live in. But I had to follow my heart and go with Six of Crows. Of course, only when I get to (sorry Inej) marry Kaz ♥ I would love to have such a close group of friends that you can do literally everything with and to have the knowledge that it will never get boring.

5. Fall is the perfect time for some storytelling by the fireside: share a book wherein somebody is telling a story.

To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee. This is one of the few classics I really love: deep storyline, lovely characters and a real surprise. You should read it as it can not only teach you a lot but also lets you see how lucky you are with the life you are living.

6. The nights are getting darker: share a dark, creepy read.

Definitely It by Stephen King, which is actually the book that I’m currently reading. I can’t really say much about it, but if you like dark and creepy books you should think about giving it a try.

7. The days are getting colder: name a short, heartwarming read that could warm up somebody’s cold and rainy day.

Finding Sky by Joss Stirling. At least three times a year I find myself reading this book. It’s not my favorite book ever, but something about it just always warms my heart and makes me happy – no matter how sad I am. It really makes you believe in real love again ♥

8. Fall returns every year: name an old favorite that you’d like to return to soon.

I really want to re-read the Heroes of Olympus series by Rick Riordan. He’s the author that started my reading obsession nearly 9 years ago and I still love to read his books and then re-read them a million times!

9. Fall is the perfect time for cozy reading nights: share your favorite cozy reading “accessories”!

That’s easy. Either a warm and cozy blanket or a cup of hot chocolate. Especially around fall and winter, I need it very comfy when I read 🙂

Top 10 Fantasy Book Series

❤❤❤❤❤ Obsessed

❤❤❤❤     Very good

❤❤❤         Good

❤❤             Okay

                 Not so good

  • Six Of Crows Duology

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story: ❤❤❤❤❤

characters: ❤❤❤❤❤ [Favorite characters: Kaz, Jesper and Inej]

writing: ❤❤❤❤❤

  • Mara Dyer Chronicles

11408650

story: ❤❤❤❤❤

characters: ❤❤❤❤❤ [Favorite characters: Noah, Jamie and Mara]

writing: ❤❤❤❤❤

  • Violet Eden Chronicles

1-embrace2528thevioletedenchapters252cbook12529

story: ❤❤❤❤❤

characters: ❤❤❤❤❤ [Favorite characters: Phoenix and Spence]

writing: ❤❤❤❤

  • Lux series

81hdraah2xl

story: ❤❤❤❤

characters: ❤❤❤❤ [Favorite characters: Katy, Daemon and Luc]

writing: ❤❤❤❤❤

  • Heroes Of Olympus/Percy Jackson and the Olympians

91vcdxkm3dl   lightning-thief1

story: ❤❤❤❤❤

characters: ❤❤❤❤ [Favorite characters: Percy and Nico]

writing: ❤❤❤❤❤

  • Kuss des Dämons (german series)

9783570305546_1438007881000_xxl

story: ❤❤❤❤

characters: ❤❤❤❤ [Favorite characters: Julien and Olek]

writing: ❤❤❤❤❤

  • The Mortal Instruments/The Dark Artifices

9e402e4d88e1260d7fcf7b3dba8386dd   img_0299

story: ❤❤❤❤❤

characters: ❤❤❤ [Favorite characters: Raphael, Sebastian and Alec / Julian and Ty]

writing: ❤❤❤❤❤

  • The Raven Boys series

041f5e7188891-560ddd7a4fb13

story: ❤❤❤

characters: ❤❤❤❤❤ [Favorite characters: Noah and Ronan]

writing: ❤❤❤❤

  • Starcrossed series/Hush, Hush series

51igemudp5l   hushhush

story: ❤❤❤❤❤

characters: ❤❤ [Favorite characters: Hector / Patch]

writing: ❤❤❤❤

  • Fallen series

9e554fe8d13c050185e4f642f444eb4a

story: ❤❤❤

characters: ❤❤❤❤ [Favorite character: Cam]

writing: ❤❤❤

  •  Shadow Falls Camp

born-at-midnight

story: ❤❤❤

characters: ❤❤ [Favorite characters: Perry and Lucas]

writing: ❤❤❤❤

Books I want to read (Top 15)

[So on goodreads I have currently 197 books on my “to-read”-list, so these here are just the ones I look forward to reading the most. And this only includes books that are already released.]

Everything, Everything

everythingeverythingcover

Six Of Crows

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Between The Lives

btl-uk

The Sky Is Everywhere

sky_375w

Dear Killer

dearkiller

The Darkest Minds Triology

10576365

Throne Of Glass Series

tog-nyt-cover

I Was Here

i-was-here-gayle-forman

Find You In The Dark

16081754

Die Young With Me

die-young-with-me-9781501142611_hr

Unforgiven

unforgiven

Letters To The Dead

18140047

When We Collided

cover-for-when-we-collided

The Trials Of Apollo: The Hidden Oracle

the-trials-of-apollo

Denazen Triology

11882171

Playlist for the Dead

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Firebird Triology

2e3e57de7e032cbe8164205ec342438c

Favorite male book characters

[Contains spoilers for these book series: Starcrossed, The Mara Dyer Chronicles, Violet Eden Chronicles, Percy Jackson and the Olympians]

These aren’t the only male book characters I love, but if I had to pick my top 12, that’s how it would look:

  • Julien Alexandre Du Cranier (Kuss des Dämons)

If you would ask me which male book character I would marry I guess I would answer Julien. I first read this triology when I was 12 and now I’m nearly 18 and I still love him with all my heart. His love for Dawn is so pure and never-ending, he would do anything to protect her; even sacrifice his life. He is a really mysterious person and it’s not easy to understand him and his intentions all the time, but he has a good heart. And even though he believes that he’s a monster, everyone who has read the books knows that that’s far from the truth. When someone asks me why I would choose Julien, my answer is: He is smart and loves to read, music flows through his veins and I would to die to hear him play something on his violin for me, he loves to travel and is always interested to learn more about the world and most importantly he would never fail to make me laugh and he would love me so deeply and passionate that I woudn’t need to worry about him ever losing interest in me.

  • Hector Delos (Starcrossed)

Hector is my all time favorite male book character and I love him for many reasons. The way he cares for his family and how he lightens up every situation with his witty comments. The way he calls Helen “Princess” and how he is always there for her (their friendship is my favorite thing about the books). I love that he is so strong and so vulnerable at the same time and when he temporarely died in the third book, I died with him. Sometimes I still wish that Josephine Angelini would’ve written a spin-off about him.

  • Zed Benedict (Finding Sky)

One of the main reasons I love Zed is his relationship with Sky. He was starting to lose himself before they met each other and she helped him to be his true self. I also love how he seems to be this bad, rebellious guy and then turns out to be so sweet and protective. Moreover, I live for characters like Zed, Noah and Daemon (Lux series) who love to provoke others, in a fun and not serious way. They act like jerks, but are actually the best boyfriends you could wish for.

  • Noah Shaw (The Unbecoming Of Mara Dyer)

Noah is the book character I feel in love with the fastest. Immediately when he was introduced, I knew that he would storm my heart; and he did. His love for books, his good heart, his endless love for Mara, his witty humor, but also his desire to hurt himself, his messed up family and his struggle with his gift: every part of him made me addicted. And after I finished the third book of the series I was so sad that it was over, but now that I know that in november they will release the first book of a spin-off series about him, I’m more than happy.

  • Percy Jackson (Percy Jackson and the Olympians)

Percy Jackson was the first book character I fell in love with as the books of Rick Riordan were the first fantasy books I’ve ever read (apart from Beautiful Creatures). His humor and relatability are the things that caught my interest first. He started at the bottom and fought his way to the top; and he thaught me that everyone is in some way a hero. Throughout this series, I fell in love and throughout the heroes of olympus series, I just knew that I made the right choice.

  • Phoenix (Violet Eden Chronicles)

I was always the one who loved the bad guys more than the good guys and who never understood why the girls did not pick them. Especially Phoenix found a place in my heart. He cared so deeply for Violet and fought against his dark side to be there for here and to protect her.The scene in the last book on the bridge, where he told her how much she meant to him and they say goodbye to eachother, broke my heart. For me, it seemed like Phoenix loved Violet more than Lincoln, even if it was in a different way.

  • Theodore Finch (All The Bright Places)

How he struggled from depression reminded me a lot of myself and somehow I found a really deep and strong connection to him throughout the book. The way he helped Violet to find a new purpose in life, while he was suffering to find his own, was so beautiful and tragic. Also the way he thought, described his feelings and tried to fight the dark black hole in his mind really moved me. All The Bright Places is probably my all time favorite contemporary book and Finch is the reason why.

  • Julian Blackthorn (The Dark Artifices)

Julian is stubborn, confident, and does not open up to a lot of people – that’s so me – though he can be very considerate and thoughtful too. He is also a very loving person- there is probably no one who has a more pure heart than him – and when he loves someone, he will love them forever. He is close to perfect, but not entirely perfect, which I love. The way he takes care of his siblings and cares about Emma always manages to melt my heart. His passion for art is just another plus on the list of things, that speak for him. [Btw his brother Ty is one of my favs as well]

  • Spence Smith (Violet Eden Chronicles)

Spence is the definition of friendship goals. I mean, look how he supported Violet and how he was ready to risk everything to help her. He is such a goofball and so loveable. Also can we talk about the goodbye scene between Violet and Spence in the fourth book? I wish I had a male best friend like Spence. But it’s more than his friendship with Vi that makes him such a good character. It’s just the way he makes the bad times seem good and the good times seem even better, that makes him irrereplaceable. I just know, that I wouldn’t love the books so much if Spence and Phoenix wouldn’t exist.

  • Nico di Angelo (Percy Jackson and the Olympians)

His character touched me in a way no other character ever did. I mean, we got to know him as this little, weak boy who cared for no one else in the whole wide world except his big sister. We saw him breaking when his sister died and we watched him overcome this pain and becoming stronger than he has ever been. We saw him finding friends, even though he never wanted to get attached to someone again. We watched him as he discovered his half-sister Hazel and his romantic feelings for Percy. Throughout both book series we watched him growing up and evolving; and that’s what brought him so close to me.

  • Ronan Lynch (The Raven Boys)

Ronan is a special case, as I started reading The Raven Boys with no expectations. I read about the book on tumblr, bought it a few days later and fell in love with the story. It is such an interesting idea and I love how it is implemented. Ronan stood out the most to me, as his character has so much depth. On the outside, he seems like this selfish, arrogant, rebellious, rich boy who doesn’t give a fuck about anything. But on the inside, he is this caring, vulnerable, self-critical boy who is the best friend you could ask for. The way he cares about Gansey, Noah, Adam and in some way Blue, is so honest and sincere.

updated: 17/07/17 [I just finished the Covenant series and had to add Seth ♥]

  • Seth Diodoros (Covenant)

The thing I love most about Seth is probably his diversity. He seems to be this cocky, funny and big-mouthed player whose only purpose is to provocate the people around him. But the more you dive into his character, you can see that he’s hiding a very caring, emotional and loyal side. Alex is the first person he shows this side of him which creates a special connection between them. I love both sides of him equally and he always manages to make me smile and even when I don’t feel like smiling at all.

Fear

Now you were alone

Wondering what the difference between alone and lonely even was

When you were at the one place where you could feel your tears

Always scared to lose your fears

No one is actually afraid of things, we’re just afraid of the fear itself. And fear is something that can be very treacherous. It shows you an illusion that is the complete opposite of your character. It knows all of your weaknesses and it also knows how to use them against you. My brother always told me this when I couldn’t sleep at night and would crawl into his bed, so he would protect me from the monsters under my bed. As a child I never quiet understood what he meant, but now as I am older and my fears changed, I believer every word he once told me. And it’s not only important to know that fear isn’t real, you also need to understand the power fear has when it comes to changing people. Fear stops you from doing things you really want, it stops you from getting to know so many different sides of life. And even though I know this and many of you probably know it too, we’re still letting fear rule our life. But what are we supposed to do about it? Fear is what makes us human. It’s what lets us survive. Because if we wouldn’t be afraid of things that are dangerous for us, what would stop us from doing them? So fear is necessary, not only for us but also for the universe.

Compass

The first thing you need to learn about life is that it’s a series of changes.

The second thing is that you are one human being of seven billion.

The third thing is that no one will ever be able to understand you like yourself.

I’ve always searched for some kind of compass that can lead me through my life. To help me make decisions that I don’t feel comfortable deciding. I get lost quite a lot, not only in the hallways of my school or searching for clothes in a store, but also in my head. Daydreaming probably is what I do 99% of my time and I don’t say it’s bad, you just have to learn to do both: Daydreaming and focusing on real life. Because if you lose focus on what is happening right in front of you then you won’t come far in life – at least that’s what my parents always tell me. I partly agree with them. Imagination is important, in so many ways. It can help you to get a totally new perspective on things and it can make your life so much more interesting and special. Focusing on things like grades in school and keeping your social contacts alive on the other hand, stops you from drowning in loneliness. And believe me I know exactly how that feels. So balance is important. But there isn’t just one equation to find your balance – your compass. Every individual person on this planet has a different compass. The heart. No matter how far you drift away, it will always lead you back to the place you belong. And even though it isn’t always easy to completely trust it, I think we all really need to learn to listen to it more carefully. Because our head may be the thing that leads us through our real life, but our heart is what leads us through our imagination.

Goodbye 2016 🌈

Best movie of the year: Captain America 3 (Civil War)/ Phantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them

Favorite song of the year: too many 😂

Most embarrassing moment of the year: I ran into a door at school and my crush saw it 😂

Best moment of the year: Seing 5SOS live 😍

Biggest lesson learned this year: You have to work really hard to reach your goals

Best conversation you had this year: midnight phone call with my best friend 

Most memorable trip of the year: weekend trip with my whole family ❤️

Newsworthy event with the most impact: the murder of Christina Grimmie, I cried for weeks

Most overrated celebrity story this year: everything taylor swift, kanye west and kim kardashian related

Best thing you did for someone else this year: surprising my internet bestie on her birthday ❤️

Hardest you laughed this year: playing a game on playstation with my best friend and we had no idea how it works 😂

Best piece of advice you got this year: Don’t be so hard on yourself 🦄

Day this past year you’d live over and over: May 25th 😍

Favorite holiday memory of the year: Christmas morning with my family and our burned pancakes 😂

Most memorable moment in pop culture: too many good people in the showbuisness died this year and the release of Shawn Mendes’ 2nd album 


Life Lessons (1)

I always wondered why the most beautiful things in the world are those which can easily destroy us. It’s like we are addicted to the danger that we can sense when we are close to them. I found myself dancing outside in the rain in the middle of a storm and I didn’t care if I was struck by lightning or if the wind would blow me away. Another time I found myself holding my hand over the flames of a candle, just because I wanted to feel the pain. When I was younger I imagined to be every superhero I saw on TV. I even tried to fly once and broke my arm on that day without even thinking about the risks I would take. Why are we so fascinated of danger? What makes us always fall in love with someone we know will break our heart? Why are we willing to risk everything only to lose again and again? I guess it’s just something that lies deep within us. Something that we aren’t able to get rid of. Nature.

It isn’t supposed to be easy in life. To be honest, are the most wonderful things are the ones you have to fight for, even if everyone tries to convince you that you are making the wrong decision. I learn from quiet different things in life, it really depends on how they catch my attention. This right here is what I learned from watching the tv show “Gilmore Girls” while I grew up. The relationship between Rory and Jess was the most beautiful and meaningful one in the whole show. They don’t have to be your favorite couple for my statement to be true – I will show you why.

Jess had a huge impact on Rorys life: He taught her to express herself and showed her that there are more important things in life than school. That she can be more than the shy girl who always follows the rules. That true love can be painful but worth it. He lured her out of her comfort zone, because if we are honest than that’s exactly what helps us grow. He showed her the difficult sides of life and how to overcome them. He made her stronger.

But because of Rory, Jess changed over the course of time too. He started to believe in himself and in the things he could achieve in life. He opened his heart for her and through all the ups and downs, he was always a constant in her life. He learned that love is not only painful and that it isn’t a bad thing to show people that you care about them. That you aren’t supposed to waste your intelligence and that it’s important to have goals in life.

They complimented each other so well just because they were so different. Even though they had similar interests, they still had completely different personalities. Over the course of time they always fought for each other – they never gave up. And that’s exactly what I learned from them: The most wonderful things in life are the hardest to achieve but at the same time they are also the ones it’s worth fighting for. 

Afraid Of Change

I think the misery in life starts when you realize that you aren’t a kid anymore. When everything gets way more complicated and you are starting to lose focus. Christmas was a really good example for me, because I used to love it so much and – don’t get me wrong – I still do, but it’s different now. You not only see the sparkly side of christmas but also the negative side. When I was younger christmas started for me in november, right after my birthday. This year christmas never really started, not even on christmas eve/morning. And now that it’s over, the only hint that christmas really happened are the new books in my bookshelf. Maybe I’m just too afraid of growing up and overvalue these things, but it’s not only christmas that has changed. The way I see my family now, especially my parents couldn’t be more different than before. The older I became the more often I asked myself ‘If you’re parents weren’t your parents, would you be friends with them?’ ‘No’. ‘When you move out with 18 will you contact and visit them frequently?’ ‘I don’t know’. And all these thoughts really scare me, because my parents are wonderful people but I just don’t have such a deeply connection to them as others have to their parents. I would never describe my mum as my best friend and I probably fight 98% of the time with my dad. Because they see life in a totally different perspective. I know that they will never agree with the way I want to live and even though it will probably hurt at the beginning, I know that me growing up will mean losing contact to my parents. My dream is to move to a different country, to become a writer and to publish my own book. And I know that change is necessary to achieve my goals, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. I just have to accept it. The next thing is school. I only have 1 1/2 years left until I graduate which is scary and amazing at the same time. It means I’m finally free, but it also means that I have to take care of myself. That I’m responsible for what I do and that I have to build myself a life. Because if we’re honest, then our life isn’t our parents life. We don’t own anything they own. We are just guests until we learn to live on our own. I’m not even sure if my friends will stay my friends forever. To be honest, I don’t know anything and I’m not even sure what the purpose of this entry is: Just know that you aren’t the only one who is afraid of changes. Everyone is in some kind of way afraid of them.

Lifeguide For Fangirls (1)

So I wrote this for one of my tumblrs a while ago, but I wanted to post it here too ♥ And I’m already working on a part 2.

When you fall in love with a person that you know you can’t have, that’s always hard. When the person doesn’t even know you exist while you are dreaming of him every minute of the day, that’s even harder. Seeing him with girls that are way prettier and talented than you are, that’s the point where you break. But it’s not your fault that you like him so much. It’s not your fault that he puts your expectations of a boyfriend too high for any of the “real” boys to reach them. And it’s not your fault that you can’t stop having hope for something that will never be. But what do you do when you’re in such a position? It’s not like there’s a life guide for fangirls who fell in love with their favorite band member. No, you’re stuck with all those feelings and problems all by yourself with no one to help you. I mean sure you can just hide in your room forever, listening to their music and reading fanfics that just make everything worse, but that wouldn’t be so productive. Becoming a stalker and making plans with your internet besties how to kidnap him, isn’t a great idea either. So what do you do? Those feelings won’t disappear within a few days, they’re real feelings. At least that’s what you think, but let’s be honest here, from one fanatic fangirl to another: You can’t fall in love with a person you never really talked to. I know hearing the truth hurts, but I never said that we should think logical here. The word fangirl is enough to cancel the word logical in the context. Everything a fangirl does isn’t logical, so who cares about the truth, am I right? So were exactly at the point we started at. Still alone, losing ourselves in feelings we can’t describe. In situations like this, where my fangirl side or whatever I’m supposed to call it, takes over my body, my mind and my heart, that’s the moments where I should probably reach out to my real friends, the non-fangirls. They should be able to keep me grounded, right? Wrong. I’m really sorry to disappoint you, but there is no way that they’ll understand even the slightest part of what you are going through. Screw ex boyfriends and crushes that didn’t turn into boyfriends that is nothing compared to your situation. Oh wait, I forgot to mention the best thing: Friends who have a boyfriend and a real, good working relationship, because these friends are the worst. I mean there you are with your broken heart, with the desire to have a boyfriend and then they show up and just be completely happy 24/7 and because you are good friend and you love them you listen to all their “Oh my god, did you see what Jake got me?!” and “OMG, how cute on a scale from 1 to 10 do we look on this photo?!” while you just want to punch them right in their face. But let’s get back to business here. We still haven’t found a solution for our problem. So we were able to exclude asking non-fangirls for help, kidnapping the love of your life and laying on your bed waiting for a miracle to happen from our list. So before we go on, I want to get a little more serious here for a minute and talk about another way you’re not getting rid of the feelings you have for him and that is to ignore the real world. I did that a long time over and I sometimes still have the habit to just live in my dream world and try to have nothing to do with real people and so on. It’s really not healthy if you do it a lot, because it can lead to depression and self-harming which is never a way. I had depressions and anxiety a long time over, because I wasn’t feeling comfortable in my own body and everything was just too much for me to handle. I always compared myself to girls who were prettier, skinnier or just girls in general that had a chance in dating that specific band member I had feelings for. I would go to school, come straight back home and would spent the rest of the day just watching TV series, YouTube videos or reading books. I would do anything that would stop me from thinking about my real life. Being bullied in school, wasn’t particularly a big help. So please never do that, you’re perfect the way you are and even if you won’t believe me now, I promise that someday you will believe it. I tried really hard to lose weight, because I just wanted to be more like them, you know? But I noticed really quickly that I lost my will to live through all that. So I asked myself what is more important: Being happy or being skinny? [Don’t get me wrong, there are probably a million people out there who can be both, but for me it just didn’t work out.] I chose being happy and after a time I got used to not being a perfect and skinny girl. This road from suffering under depression and anxiety to finally being happy and feeling comfortable in my own body took me years, so take your time. Self-confidence is something that needs time to evolve. But just so you know, you can always write me if you want my advice or if you need someone to listen. I understand what you are going through and I’m here. It’s really hard for me to write about all of this, so can we please go back to the easy stuff? Thank you. You know what I just thought about, why don’t we all just form a support group for fangirls, where everyone can talk to people who understand them. I mean that sounds like a great idea, right? Right. But what if you met another fangirl in the group that likes the same band member? Let’s just say: Welcome to World War 3! I mean no offense but fangirls are the worst people to have an argument with. We always get offended about everything, we always need everything to happen the way we want it and the worst case scenario: Somebody isn’t our opinion, doesn’t ship our OTP or loves the same celebrity. You know these special days where shops offer you that you can get everything you can grab for free? Just imagine that the really gorgeous dress that everyone wants to have is the celebrity and that the fangirls are the customers. Do you see what I see? I thought so. So we can exclude support groups for fangirls from our list too. Let’s go on with another possible way: Falling in love with a boy you met in real life. I mean the possibility of that to happen is like one to a billion, but what if the luck is on your side for once? What if you met somebody who actually is able to live up to your expectations? Somebody who doesn’t live on the other side of the world? What if that really happens? I hope that there are still some dreamers out there, but when it comes to real life relationships then I’m definitely one of those who gave up hope. You heard right: I’M A HOPELESS CASE. No boy will ever fall in love with me, so it’s just normal for me to fall in love with a celebrity who will never reject me, because he doesn’t even know I dream of him every second of every day in my life. But that’s not true either, because he can reject me in an indirect way and that is the worst possible outcome of my situation. Let me introduce you to my worst case scenario: HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND. I had this scenario once and I can tell you that I felt a part of me dying when I read online that he “made his relationship with (…) official”. I just wanted to throw my phone against the next wall and scream. You can say that he was my first real celebrity crush and to be honest is the one I had after him still my current one. Sure there were some short crushes here and there, but these two they just stuck with me the whole time over. You probably think that I’m a lunatic for giving these feelings so much meaning, but for me that’s just what they were/are. So here I am, still feeling attached to my second celebrity crush after the first one broke my heart. [NEWSFLASH: HE STILL HAS THAT GIRLFRIEND. AND SHE PROBABLY IS A NICE HUMAN BEING, BUT I STILL HATE HER. SORRY FOR THAT.] Description of my current state: I started writing this at 1am, because I couldn’t sleep. And when I can’t sleep then I feel lonely. And when I feel lonely then I start to think of all the things that make me so different from the people around me and I don’t always mean different in a good way. So I started this little rant at 1 am and somehow my feelings took over my brain and it turned out to be so much longer than I expected it to be. I’m not even sure if anybody will ever read this but if you do then I just want to tell you some things:

  1. Give yourself all the time you need. And I not only mean give yourself all the time you need to accept yourself, but also when it comes to getting rid of feelings you actually don’t want to feel. There is no way that you can rush out of them, because it’s just natural for you to try to hold on to them. They mean something to you and no one will lose something that means something to them. And believe me one day they will be gone, but it might take you a while to get there.
  2. When you are in a situation where you feel like you’re losing your touch to reality then turn to someone for help. Sometimes it doesn’t even seem like something bad, but it can easily turn out like that. No matter how miserable you are feeling and how hopeless everything seems to be, believe I’ve been there and it gets better. It really does, but not yet. And you won’t get through it all by yourself. That’s just not how it works.
  3. You know what I do when I feel like I’m going back to my old ways/habits? I write. I always have my little journey around or when I’m at home I have my laptop to write on. For me writing is a way to not only express my feelings but also to work through them. I understand when you aren’t able to talk to other people about it yet, so just write it down to somewhat talk to yourself about it. Who knows maybe what you are writing down now will help someone else later on? Because it’s always easy to learn from experiences other people made.
  4. Celebrity crushes are totally normal, so is the life of a fangirl. Don’t ever let someone tell you it isn’t. My friends used to tell me at every possible moment that I’m crazy for being so in love with bands, TV shows, books and so on. But they only say that, because they can’t understand and you aren’t able to explain it to them. Either you were born a fangirl or you weren’t, that’s just how it is. And to honest, life without all those things that only fangirls experience would be totally boring, am I right?